Illustrated guide to killing apartment bugs in style

I'm no wimp.  I can handle lots of critters without batting an eye-- lizards, mice, frogs, spiders, snakes-- hey ask my boyfriend, on my first date with him I STEPPED ON A SNAKE IN THE DARK in the streets of Georgetown, and didn't even flinch (that's when he said he knew I was a keeper).

However, I have a phobia of a certain type of critter.




Clingy, BEETLE TYPE BUGS.

My biggest fear: those crazy orange June bugs that fly around in the summer.  But I also hate Japanese beetles, black beetles, grasshoppers (they cling) and even get a little weirded out by ladybugs sometimes. 

It's completely irrational.  I understand.  Beetles don't bite, sting, or hurt people, really.  But it's something about the way they fly and get stuck in your hair, they way their little legs cling and get stuck on your skin-- it's TERRIFYING.

So what looks like a beetle that lives in NYC?

COCKROACHES. 

BIG.  UGLY.  COCKROACHES.

I can't.  I just Can't.

They are just.... no.  They scamper.  They cling.  They have wings, so I am assuming they FLY.  WHY GOD??

Yesterday, I had my first run-in with these underworld creatures.  It went something like this:

-------------------
Here we go, waking up, happy Hump Day!  Let's carpe this diem!  Ho hum, I'll just mind my own business and get ready.  I'll just finish this fantastic outfit by putting on my glasses andOHMYGODWHATISTHAT?  That is totally a bug.  No it can't be. It can't be it's hugeOHMYGOD YES IT IS IT'S A HUGE BUG OMG.

WHAT IF IT IS A COCKROACH?? No it can't be, I am clean and OH MY GOD IT'S A COCKROACH WHAT THE HELL.

*stand there and have a stare off with the thing for a good two mins*

OK what do I do.  How do I even kill this thing.  It's big enough to have a SOUL.  This is the size of a MOUSE.  What do I kill it with?  I don't want that thing's insides on my SHOE!! That's one my favorite new flats! Oh my God I need to hurry up, it's going to start moving, what do I do.... ok.  Suck it up.  You can handle this.  You have to go to work.  Hurry up.

You can handle this.

Oh god.

[at this point, I beat it to death with sneaky ninja-esque speed, praying to God that it didn't fly at me in it's final moments.  I suggest thick soled, heavy shoes to ensure complete annihilation.  I used my nude Nine West pumps that I bought for court]

OH MY GOD IT CRUNCHED SO LOUD WHAT WAS THAT THIS IS SO GROSS I CAN'T EVEN LOOK!!!  WHERE DO I PUT THE BODY?! WHAT DO I DO?

This is so NOT FAIR.  I have been so NEAT and CLEAN in this apartment, I do my dishes right away-- where do they COME FROM?  What on earth do I do with THIS DEAD BODY LAYING ON THE FLOOR UNDER MY SHOE?!

Ok.  Just pick it  up with a paper towel really quickly.  Just do it.  Just OH MY GOD IT IS SO GROSS EW EW EW WHERE IS THE TRASHCAN EWWWWW

------------------

And I then proceeded to take the trashcan outside so it wouldn't come back to life and haunt my dreams.

Clearly, I was not prepared for this.

Apparently, roaches are EXTREMELY present in NYC, and if you haven't run into one yet it is just a matter of time.  After Googling WAY too much and spending wayyyyy too much energy freaking out, I got three different kinds of roach killer:

1. Killer traps
2. Killer Raid spray (lavender scented!)
3. and KILLER GEL that used to be only available to exterminators, but is now available to the general public.  You basically just put tiny dots around, and the bugs eat them.  Then, they themselves become poison bug bombs, and when they go back to their little friends and KEEL OVER DEAD, their friends have a little poison-filled feast.  Cockroaches apparently even eat each other.  Gross. 

Yes, I only found one.  Yes, it was big enough to have a soul.  NO I am not over reacting.  I do NOT play games.  This is all out war.